elegant & absurd

46. wild strawberries

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 16:35:05 GMT

i am happy here.

xxxxiv.new york city burnt down to the ground. once you drove away.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 01:55:17 GMT

lately, i've been unsettled. i'm preoccupied with making a good first impression on new schoolmates..in terms of behavior and appearence.

i feel rotund and grotesque.
i was at the point of getting hair extensions to hasten any feelings of confidence and grace.
really, when i have short hair, i feel ugly. when i have longer hair, i feel pretty. its black and white.
with all of the tumultuousness of defunct seven-year friendships and nightmares over being fired, i thought a good confidence boost would help sway the demons.

but a failed date for jacques tati's 'playtime' led to drinks at shanghai cowgirl and the most scandalous napkin known to man (top five?? i am so glad i'm not in their year). but john and darcy made me feel a lot better about myself. having them tell me that i photograph well and that many people like me was such a comfort. its petty and childish to need others to tell you those things..but..don't they?

i'm going to be fine. i don't care what others say. i have my dreams and i have loved ones. i know how to give. that's all i need to know.

xxxxii. red lacquer

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:01:39 GMT

why do you taste so good when i'm sad?
i'm running away to new york this thursday.
bye darlings. i don't think i'll want to come back.

xxxx: today will be better! i swear.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 01:57:44 GMT

life's a bit of a mess right now.
the small shelves that used to house my despair broke;
leaving splinters and a flood of regret.
i'm still sweeping the dust up.

the new stars album sounds so rich.
whenever i hear them, i grow up a little more each time.
i am going to wait, until the air is brisk & the veins of leaves dim,
to really, truly listen to it.

i'm so glad to have found them.
i'll be better soon.
things could be worse; i am better off than most.
but repeating that mantra never helps healing, does it?

xxxiv. storybook children

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 20:13:17 GMT

i`m off to the cinema today to watch 'belle et la bete' by cocteau alone. i think spending time in the cinema alone is the best thing one could do. the flickering image is the only friend you need really. i`m very happy here. not satisfied, but happy. if it wasn`t for lingering effects of this and that, i would be very content.

...
i think he loves her just as much as i love him.
but no one really cares anymore so i`ll keep quiet.

xxxviii. hey there stranger

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 18:08:24 GMT

i should make more of my posts public. i mean, who am i so afraid of? forget judgement, its all a waste of time.

i saw jules and jim in the cinema last night with john and melissa. i don't think they enjoyed it and at first, i couldn't make up my mind about it; but i think it was worth seeing and some scenes touched me in their intimacy. i received the same sort of feeling i get when i look at light-saturated polaroids of strangers. you know, where you don't recognize the face but you can guess what they are thinking.

oh, i was hired by a firm last week and i became so elated, despite low blood sugar (i get too nervous to eat before interviews). i think its quite a big fuck you to all of the people who thought i was so terrible and horrid in school. i feel proud of myself; a feeling i haven't felt for the longest time. it firmly leads me to believe that opinion is not set in stone.

i really, bloody, adore where i am living in toronto. its so close, so perfect for architecture. the cinemas, art galleries, music clubs. i'm happy here and maybe i simply don't want to let go but i am hoping to defer from my new school for a term so i can work and play and learn to be myself. since high school, i have always made excuses about my unhappiness.

learning to take care of yourself is more difficult than i thought.

xxxvii. there's only one thing

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 03:21:56 GMT

today, as i walked down queen street west in toronto with some friends, i saw this woman and i thought, "she looks so familiar." and i looked at her dress, and her hair and i thought, "she looks like me. that's my sister, that's my sister."
and she looked away and i wanted to stop and say her name but i was with my friends. and she kept walking and she seemed to pretend as if she hadn't seen me. i haven't seen her in five years; i haven't spoken to her in ten.

i felt this odd pit grow inside of my stomach..and it ate away at me for the rest of the evening. i kept drifting off, thinking that she just avoided me. but really, what can one expect.

i feel very uncomfortable with myself.

xxxvi. bankside

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 00:27:43 GMT

london was a laugh. it was a lovely town..though i didn't mean very many brits who were lovely. well, except for the subway employee who helped me figure how to get where i was going. i was eternally lost..all of those winding streets and my poor sense of direction caused a great deal of trouble. but i had friends..good friends who would lend me a hand. there are photos under the cut.

.

the streets speak of history..so dense, layer after layer. the museums are fantastic and free and the city feels as if it has a texture.

this jaunt to london has developed a taste for europe. next summer..i'm going to save up for a trip to paris and helsinki along with some rural parts of finland. maybe denmark as well? i am fascinated with northern europe. i'm trying so hard to make my future bright. maybe trying too hard.

again, another time

Tue, 29 May 2007 04:07:11 GMT

what is it like to be married?

the other side of the page

Sat, 19 May 2007 19:42:36 GMT

after i left new york, i lost track of the days. i forgot a day here and there and all of a sudden, i was very confused. what was joel doing here? why was carlos leaving again? i`m really in another place. i watched two wong-kar wai movies, eight dollars a piece and realized that our rooms are an architecture of memory. i watched one movie in the theatre and thought of how i lived in new york and where i had been and if i had been there, really. yes, i`m still living in the past but that is what i`m good at.

i keep debating whether or not i should leave today or tomorrow or wait for monday and i really need to just pack up and stop making excuses.

i`m going to london in a few days, for the first week of june and i keep forgetting how long i have until i must go. i found my lost passport so there`s nothing keeping me from going this time. and i have no job yet but in a way, i needed this time. i`m going to see it as a blessing and not as a frustration.

xxxiv. train spikes and low resolutions

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 23:32:00 GMT

today, there is the most perfect stillness in the air. the temperature is..neutral; it's as if the wind no longer exists. new york is swathed in blossoming trees and everyone`s congregating towards the parks. sitting on steps, watching, learning..loving. i wonder if other people study the minute details as i do at times; the expression on one's face, the embroided detail on their shirt, the negative space one create's when they occupy a room.

i snuck onto the highline yesterday with david. for those who do not know, the highline is this abandoned railyway in new york which starts in the upper west side and snakes around into chelsea and the meatpacking district. officially, its trespassing. to me, its a chance to see the newest public space in the city and see the skyline at its hips. the views, the light...everything was so lovely.

he told me he would miss me when i left new york but i couldn`t say it in return even though i felt the same way. i`ll express it another way.

..i always promise myself that but it never happens because i`m still always thinking of..

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 23:25:14 GMT

so i said, "i can't stay the night because i have art class in the morning. remember, love hard. forgive harder."

xxxiii. i could almost hate you..

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 22:23:50 GMT

i tried taking photographs when i was eleven. i took them of people i thought were my friends and in the summertime, i would look back on them as evidence of laughter in my life. i wanted to be a photographer..because i wanted to do something artistic to please my father. and now, here i am, twenty, certain of what i would like to contribute to this world and what i want to be. but..is it possible?

i rarely take photographs anymore. until recently, i used to avoid people taking my photograph. i didn't want to see what i truly looked like. when you look in the mirror, you filter out a lot of things about yourself. i sketch places and things that i love. again, there is a degree of interpretation that is used to filter the city and its citizens through your lens and onto your page. sometimes, i wonder if i see things for what they are.

i keep thinking, "i want to be an architect" or "i want to be with this person" and i feel that its possible. but it isn't happening. is it time? is it maturity? i fall down so much..i feel i will never fly.

but there are a few good things abound. i found three more people to room with me; three lovely former classmmates..one of whom is a very good friend. i am close to securing another internship at the same company i am working at now..which means for four more months, new york and i are still lovers. my first date with that boy went well..although i did catch a very bad cough from him. i think i will see him again on monday. bloc party is tomorrow.

but..there's something i can't see. what is it?

xxxii. its ice floor on those rooftops; do you think they`ll catch us?

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 23:36:28 GMT

today, this sunday, i spent it wandering around williamsburg. i met a friendly brown dog at outside ny, bought too many clothes (really, what`s new) and enjoyed the spring thaw. i listened to grizzly bear for the first time and now i know why everyone loves them.

i met someone last night, at a party. allie took me and i wasn`t trying to get my hopes up. but a boy started talking to me..he`s terribly sweet and nice. i rarely meet boys who are interested in me so..i guess it was nice. i walked with both he and his roommate to the subway and on the way, we got caught up in a argument between a homeless man and a tennis-racket wielding woman at the ATM (oh new york) and snuck into a abandoned office building, stole a hard hat and spent a few minutes enjoying the city skyline from its rooftop. so sorry barbra moses, i wore your hard hat on the way home. i felt i was in a movie. i just can`t quite make out the soundtrack that`s all.

as he left, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and i thought, "that`s never happened to me before." allie thought he was a bit dopey but i don`t quite care how he looks. i`m just so desperate to get over alan so i don`t ruin our friendship..i`ll do almost anything.

i`ll learn to be a better story teller.

one step, two step..

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 02:09:11 GMT

i'm sorry for being so quiet. when i get my camera, i will make a real post, full of new york-ness, and explainations about life. its just that my computer died so and i only have internet at work. and i am already infamous for checking email and facebook too often...

xxxi. when you bang on those drums, i can hear the heart of the city beating

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 04:34:40 GMT

new york has been incredible..there are times when i am in a store or on the street and my heart is full to bursting. i feel as if the life i have always wished to lead can be lead here. a lot has happened in the past few weeks..but i think i will be all right.

the streets of this city seem alive. i feel as if i can find everything i have ever wanted. on the subway, i find myself peering at people, wondering what they are like. what makes them special? why are they in new york?

my friend james finds the scale of new york perfect. and it is! the buildings dissolve into one point onto the horizon. building facades are animated with the most insignificant details of life; the mundate becomes architecture. beauty. i love the lights, the wide expases of roads, the crowds of people, the hipsters who always get off on the marcy avenue stop on the j train. drinking two vodka tonics and swaying to local indie music in brooklyn.

the city in its quietest moments is also masterful. sketching in union park, the japanese bakery in st. marks place, pressing jet black vine charcoal into newsprint, sitting in a cafe in soho watching the people go by as sketches are made, from memory, of rem koolhaas and his famous prada flagship store. the cigarette i smoked in prospect park. the hour i spent in front of the moma watching 'sleepwalkers', freezing but utterly absorbed.

and most importantly, watching the river bank by williamsburg bridge, hardened by the city`s edge, lit by the late afternoon winter`s sun.

maybe i am distracting myself..falling in love like this. i am trying to extend my time here. maybe i am hiding from the grief of having to leave school. i don`t know. but i know i love this city. eventually, we all have to leave the things we love.

another blank page.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 22:03:50 GMT

its time for new beginnings. i`m going to start over in new york city, where else? my hair is going to be chopped off. my life is going to be pulled back together. no more running away and making excuses. i am going to be the person i want to be..

blank

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 16:05:54 GMT

i am enraged, betrayed and grieving. i just lost my home. a part of my dream has died.

what are you supposed to do when you lose something so fundamental?

xxx. a new resolution

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 03:55:27 GMT

only now its hit me that i am going tomorrow. all of the stress and preparation for new york is beginning to lessen; tomorrow, i leave on a train destined for endless landscapes.

the train ride to new york is something special i think. for hours upon hours, the hills and the houses simply melt into one another. you watch the passing of the light, the rythym of the trees; the train`s whisle becomes synchronous with music you are listening to.

night falls..you can`t see anything. then comes the new york skyline. it you haven`t seen new york until you`ve winded around its skyline, lit up for thousands of people.

i can`t wait until new york, brooklyn, and the white washed bedroom with the one window. watching movies in the cinemas, concerts, dancing and a fancy dress i shouldn`t buy. ink smeared sketchbooks and champagne on friday nights with jane`s laugh ringing in my ears.

and london! oh, i haven`t started looking on what i shall do. but, as much as i shouldn`t be, i`m looking forward to seeing him. maybe its the end, i`m hoping its the beginning.

tomorrow is a beginning. and the next day. and the next...

another blank piece of paper

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 03:12:19 GMT

i wish my mother loved me. dear god, if the last few weeks are indicative of the general nature of 2007, i will throw in the towel.

___blank

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 11:37:38 GMT

i don`t know what to do about today. i`m just too sad.

vii. je t'aimerai

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 04:03:04 GMT

xxvii. urban emotions.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 00:53:58 GMT

its a dream come true; from january to april, i will be living and working in new york city. . finally, i can grow, i can stretch, i can BREATHE.

xxvi. ageless beauty

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 03:09:11 GMT

Tomorrow will be a new day. And I will keep looking forward to that.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 18:48:02 GMT

that`s it. I`m just scared.